How can it be? Both girls engaged? Weddings scheduled to be 3 weeks apart. My heart does not know what to do with the reality. Part of me is so excited and happy for the two of them. The other part of me is tragically sad and frightened. I guess this is the beginning of the end of motherhood. I try to tell myself that all a mother is suppose to feel when she has a daughter engaged is happiness. But I feel a sense of doom. It is hard to explain to anyone. I have no friends that have had a daughter get married. I feel alone. Jeff seems to be dealing with his own emotions around the two coming events. We want to support each other but are not sure how since we are struggling to support ourselves. This feeling has happened a few times during our marriage but it is a sad feeling. Jessi seems to understand my feelings more than anyone else in my life, besides my own mom. It brings me some peace. Her being home will make it slightly better because we will be able to talk. I feel like I need to talk but I need to be understood. Have you ever felt that? Afraid that if you talk you may be misunderstood so you try not to talk?
Mandi has decided to stay in Tulsa with her Finance until her wedding in September. She does not plan on coming home before. She wants to just see the family out at the wedding. Part of me is hurt by the thought. Another part of me acknowledges that she has zero idea why that would make me sad… Why is life like that? Always making you get over yourself?
Mandi and Jessi are preparing to take the Nursing Boards. Mandi will take her boards before Jess. That is one reason she wants to stay in Tulsa, to prepare before she takes her boards. Also, she wants to be with David. She has already taken a job with St. Francis in Tulsa and will start it when she passes. What do you do with that? All of this has taken me by storm. Why does my life always seem to be swept up in a storm? Always demanding my attention and acceptance? Aren’t huge changes supposed to be just a little softer? Why does it sound like a giant door closing? I feel weird most of the time now. I feel like I am not sure why all of this is happening so fast. Will I ever enjoy either event? I love both of my son in laws to be but I feel a bit at a loss. I cannot really explain all the emotions.
Jessi and Jason have decided to move to Phoenix. I cannot tell you how thankful I am for that!! They will be moving in soon. They will live with us until Jason finds a job and can nail down an apartment. I feel a little bad for Jason because I am just not myself. I feel sad all the time these days. But it is such a happy time I am annoyed at myself for feeling sad.
I miss MANDI! I don’t know what to do with those feelings other than to try to call her often. Even that makes me feel sad because I can tell I am annoying her with my calls. What is a girl to do?? WHY IS MOTHERHOOD SO HARD???????
I will write more another day. Today is a hard day. My mind is trying its hardest to catch up with reality. My darling boys wrap up their junior year of high school! Next stop for them, senior year! I will be wrapping up school myself this year. My plate could not be more full! Will we survive? Will I survive? I honestly really do not know!! Only time will tell…. I begin practicum in school soon. I will soon have four clients. I wish I felt more at peace so that I could counsel with peace. I will work on that.